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Darkmans Free read À PDF, DOC, TXT, eBook or Kindle ePUB free à Shortlisted for the Man Booker Prize Darkmans is an exhilarating extraordinary examination of the ways in which history can play jokes on us all If History is just a sick joke which keeps on repeating itself then who exactly might be telling it and why CoulLd fashioned subjects love and jealousy It's also a book about invasion obsession displacement and possession about comedy art prescription drugs and chiropody And the main character The past which creeps up on the present and whispers something uite dark uite unspeakable into its earThe third of Nicola Barker's narratives of the Thames Gateway Darkmans is an epic novel of startling originali. Is there a first time for everything This is the first time I've ever given up on a book halfway through At first I thought she was being uirky and setting the scene but I read up to page 405 and nothing had happened yet the characters were neither interesting nor likeable and her style of writing is unbelievably irritating with sentences half written full of utterly meaningless interjections like huh eh what what but right No NO and repeating everything that is said in the form of a uestion A Joker The joke is on us Nicola Barker is probably laughing her ass off at home looking at good reviews from people who read her brain vomit

Nicola Barker Ä 2 Characters

Shortlisted for the Man Booker Prize Darkmans is an exhilarating extraordinary examination of the ways in which history can play jokes on us all If History is just a sick joke which keeps on repeating itself then who exactly might be telling it and why Could it be John Scogin Edward IV's infamous court jester whose favorite pastime was to burn people alive for a laugh Or could it be Andrew Bo. Such a great cover too This is what Nicola Barker does Here she's talking about what her character Elen does She's a chiropodist On a good day she was a Superman or a Wonderwomandoggedly fighting foot crime and the causes of foot crime usually when all was finally said and done the ill fitting shoe Okay so it was hardly The Riddler or The Penguin but in a serious head to head between a violent encounter with either one of these two comic book baddies and an eight hour minimum wage shift behind the bar of a 'happening' Ashford night spot with a corn the size of a uail's egg throbbing away under the strappy section of your brand new knock off Manolo Blahniks Well it'd be a pretty close callElen firmly believed that she was making a difference She was nothing less than an evangelist for the foot She was a passionate devotee She worshipped at the altar of the arch and the heel Sometimes it wasn't easy The foot was hardly the most glamorous of the appendages 'yer dogs' 'yer plates' 'yer hoofs' No one really gave a damn about it although fair's fair the acupuncturists had done a certain amount for the cause and the reflexologists had sexed things up a little but in Elen's view the short fall still fell well pretty damn short The foot had sloppy PR; it mouldered uncomplainingly down at the bottom the fundus the depths the nadir of the physiological hegemony It had none of the pizzazz of the hand or the heart The lips The eyes the eyes had it all their own way Even the neck the belly the arse Even the arse had a certain cachet But not the foot The foot had none the foot had Fergie with her lover sprawled on a deckchair in the Cote du Tawdry The foot lived in purdah in cold climes particularly It was hidden away crammed inside sueezedNicola Barker's middle name is ebullient She hammers things into the ground bulldozes steamrollers she overwhelms with a rich rash rush of verbiage throws the kitchen sink in and the neighbour's oh now I'M doing it too It's not that hard evidently The tone as you see is mildly humorous almost mildly mocking certainly not serious Very occasionally she is funny as opposed to mildly humorous This book is so mild and desperate for a cuddle So by page 200 she's invented a small cast of mildly caricatured oddballs set in the present day they buy books over the internet and everything and bathed them all in an unstoppable torrential gush of slightly occasionally humorous commentary Also I have been peering through a powerful book telescope but I have yet to distinguish anything which appears to be a plot a story a narrative although a couple of Last Mimzy kids have now hoved into view so maybe it will turn into some kind of tepidly funny science fiction which is the very kind of science fiction I can't say I'm much of a fan of Still I'll give it another 200 pagesOne week laterNo I won't and my week ago self can't make me by jumping into a time machine and appearing in front of me with a haughty sneer Nicola Barker finally made me give up by writing a 10 page skit about a dodgy builder which was as deeply unfunny as British comedy unfortunately freuently can be It was dire it was obvious it was as lame as a three legged dog So in the words of many Samuel Beckett characters I can't go on

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DarkmansArde Henry VIII's physician who kindly wrote John Scogin's biography Or could it be a tiny Kurd called Gaffar whose days are blighted by an unspeakable terror of uh salad Or a beautiful bulimic harpy with ridiculously weak bones Or a man who guards Beckley Woods with a Samurai sword and a pregnant terrierDarkmans is a very modern book set in Ashford a ridiculously modern town about two very o. Anytime I see a book this size I think What was that you had to say that you needed than 800 pages to do it And I am intrigued because surely it must be something magnificent to justify the magnificent size On the other hand I know that I suffer from severe obsessive compulsive disorder and if I started this book I would just have to finish it no matter what There is a possibility it could be 800 pages of blabbering or worse yet 800 pages of impenetrable ontological debatesLuckily you can just skate through 'Darkmans' and it is not all total blabbering PaulI suppose I should tell you what it is actually about although explaining it will not be easy'Darkmans' is about a group of characters living in Ashford including some chavs hospital employees construction workers drug dealers basically the sort of group that many British writers who set their books in small drab English towns write about Now the twist here is that all these characters with the special mention of Isidore German security guard seem to be invaded by a ghost of Middle Ages in the form of John Scogin wicked medieval jester He muddles their minds gets them confused and makes them speak pre Shakespeare EnglishThe scope of this book is impressive; the research the linguistic finesse is uite something Of course you will be tempted to hope that everything will neatly come together in the end but it is a foolish hope As one of the character says and I can't give you the exact uote because stupidly I have returned the book to the library it was about 5 years overdue we fool ourselves to believe that things happen for a reason that there is some sort of grand design behind it all No only in art apparently Now whether this book calls itself art or whether it tries to imitate real life is for you to decide That is not to say that it leaves nothing but loose ends It is indeed very clever In the end it's Barker's book and you have to play by her rules If you are ok with that you are rewarded with a brilliant epic read Someone said 'unhinged' Yes but in the best possible senseAnd as promised Paul knows nada about real literature He is a philistine This book kicks ass